In-laws Don’t Have to be Out-laws

In light of recent sessions with clients, I thought it might be a good idea to write an article about the relationship between husband or wife and his or her in-laws, the parents of our spouse.  These relationships seem to be quite complex and dynamic with many layers.  Not only are us married folk dealing with the dynamics of our own spouse and possibly our own children, but the additional impact and influence on the marriage of the parents (grandparents) can be quite cumbersome.  To get us started, here are some real-life examples that I have heard of conflicts that have arisen between couples and their parents:

• Bride chooses dark navy as the color for her bridesmaids dress.  Mother-in-law-to-be insists there are no dark navy dresses available in her city and instead she chooses a bright emerald green dress to wear for the wedding;

• Parents of husband plan a couple vacations a year to visit from out of the country.  Both husband and parents expect that wife will become the tour guide for the duration of their visit waiting on them hand and foot and driving them to wherever they wish to go.  . . on top of all of the usual family responsibilities she has going on.  She was never asked if this is okay or if it works with her already jam-packed schedule of responsibilities;

• Every time wife’s parents visit, mother of wife constantly criticizes parenting abilities of husband to the point of threatening, “If you ever speak with my granddaughter that way again . . .” (fill in the blank);

• Mother of husband comes to visit for weeks on end and kicks wife out of her own kitchen claiming her food and cooking is not good enough for her or her son;

• Father of wife constantly criticizes husband for not being able to make enough money to sustain previous lifestyle of wife prior to her marriage;

• Couple asks parents to babysit and grandparents are never available or desire to help;

• Grandparents are over almost every day and do not respect the boundaries of the couple and children;

• Grandparents feed child whatever they wish when child is in their care, despite strict instructions from the parents on what they deem as acceptable;

• Mother of husband blames bad parenting on the parents for the fact that the child is autistic;

• Husband or wife “sides” with his or her own parents on marital issues or family conflicts causing a rift in the unity of the husband and wife;

• Mother-in-law tells daughter she is fat and needs to lose weight;

• Husband or wife cannot handle hearing any criticism about his or her parents from the spouse and immediately gets defensive and attacks the spouse instead of listening with care about what is going on and attempting to rectify the situation to keep shalom bayit.

The list is endless.  There are, of course, couples who have very good relationships with their in-laws; however no one comes to therapy because things are so good.  When someone has landed in my office as a result of in-law troubles, it is usually because the pot has boiled over and now the issues with the in-laws are threatening the marriage.  In light of this, I’ve decided to come up with a basic universal list of behavior suggestions for each member of the family to follow in order to maintain healthy relationships in the marriage as well as with the imposing parents of the bride and/or groom.

1. Suggestions for the wife:  Conflict between wife and mother-in-law is without question the most popular issue when it comes to in-law troubles.  Your husband will always be his mother’s son.  You may never be good enough in his mom’s eyes.  Your cooking may stink, your laundry or home not clean enough, your parenting not good enough.  The sooner you accept these facts as irrelevant the easier your life will become.  Your mother-in-law is entitled to her opinions, but she is not entitled to share them with you or your husband, especially if it is causing problems in the marriage.  However, it is also not your job to ask her politely to back off.  This is your husband’s job.  If you are struggling with your relationship with your mother-in-law then lovingly enlist your husband’s help to buffer the relationship.  If he is unwilling or unable to do this, then silent buffering is in order:  answer her calls less, less frequent invitations to come over, perhaps even less contact with grandchildren until the behavior improves.  If all else fails, a nice, caring, and brief written note to her asking her to adjust her behavior may work . . . or may not.  But your primary concern in your marriage is your husband—not his parents.  This may simply mean grinning and biting your cheek, showing great respect even if it is difficult.  This is especially true if you see your husband is in fact trying to help but things are not changing.  I cannot express enough how important it is for husband and wife to be on the same page supporting one another in cases of in-law strife.  Finally, when your husband comes to you about your own parents’ behavior, listen with care and help when possible.

2. Suggestions for husband:  Your wife will always be daddy’s little girl.  You may not be good enough, you may not make enough money, your job may not be prestigious enough, and your manners may not be polished enough.  But your wife chose you for a reason and it may be a reason her parents may never understand.  Your job in this case is to simply be as polite and respectful as possible to her parents.  Share with your wife how you feel.  If there is something specific that is being done or said, address it with her—not her parents—and give her the opportunity to have a gentle conversation with her parents about how their actions are impacting you and the marriage.  Avoid direct conflict where possible and understand that direct confrontation only makes things worse unless handled in the proper way.  Finally, when your wife comes to you about your own parents’ behavior, listen with care and help when possible.

3. Suggestions for the parents of the bride and groom:  Yes, you are the matriarchs and patriarchs of the family.  Yes, your children and grandchildren should acknowledge this with respectful behavior.  However, please know your boundaries and respect that your son or daughter has chosen his or her partner for a reason you may not accept or understand.  Please know that you have had your chance to choose a spouse and have had your chance to build a home.  Now provide your child with the freedom to do the same without unwanted comments or criticisms from you.  Marriage is hard enough without the additional pressure from in-laws’ expectations, demands, and judgments.  It is the hope that your desire and intention is for your child to be happy in his or her union so please, with all due respect, keep your opinions to yourself unless they have been specifically asked for.  Please do not tell them how to raise their children or live their lives.  Please allow them the space to make their own successes and mistakes.  If they give you the privilege of babysitting and playing an active role in their lives and the grandchildren’s lives, please respect their guidelines for how they chose to do things.  You may not agree, but HaShem gave these particular children to them to raise.   In general, be as supportive as possible to encourage a happy home for them—even if it means biting your tongue and refraining from commentary.

Of course, the exception to all of this is if any true abuses are taking place—physically, sexually, verbally, financially, or otherwise—causing danger to any members of the family.  In all circumstances these matters need to be reported and dealt with with the proper authorities.

Overall, and as a general rule, try not to take things personally.  Each human being carries with them years of baggage that they themselves are dealing with, and most often when behaviors arise it is much more a reflection of that person’s issues and not your own.  At that same time, it is always wise to ask yourself if there is anything you are doing specifically to attract this conflict into your life and also ask if there are any simple things that can be done to simply avoid the conflicts entirely.  In the big picture, what matters most is your spouse and your children and the home you are building together to be a place of harmony, peace, safety, love, and hopefully Yiddishkeit.  Wishing all of you shalom bayit in your immediate homes and expanding out to encompass your in-laws and extended family as well.

By: Mia Adler Ozair