This is the title of a parenting book (where ‘Cheryl’ is used instead of ‘Chaya’) by Anthony E. Wolf which succinctly encapsulates much of the parent child dynamic which exists in this generation.
As parents, there’s nothing that we love more than our children. We make them yummy dinners, buy them their favorite snacks, give them rides, take them on vacations and much more.
And what do we often get in return?
Disrespect, manipulation, attitudes, entitlement and requests for more and more…
What’s wrong with this picture? Where did we go astray?
The answer lies in the sad and painful facts that:
1. The fundamental Mitzvah of Kibud Av Va’em has been horribly neglected in this generation and…
2. Secular parenting methods and influences have crept into our society and really blurred the lines between our children and ourselves.
Secular and ‘forward thinking’ schools of thought promote that parents and children have a warm and ‘cushy’ relationship…almost like friends.
While the Torah explicitly says:
“Kabed es avicha ve’es imecha”
And
“Ish imo ve’aviv tirau”
A stark contrast indeed.
So now we would like to pose some questions to the reader.
Imagine…
If I were unequivocally in charge of my house, and I didn’t have to worry about my children’s negative reactions…
My kids would go to bed at…
What rules would I have in place about how they treated me and my wife?
About how they treat their siblings?
What jobs would they be doing to help in the house?
How many videos would they be watching or how much computer would they be playing?
These are amongst the questions posed to us at the first class of a new parenting series we joined last October.
Those questions were painful and real, positive responses to them seemed like a fantasy.
After having joined a parenting class, it has become a reality. To be clear, we’re not there yet, but we are around 85% closer. More importantly, we feel that we have the power to make any necessary changes we may need to, in our home.
To take a few steps back. We have six children B”H, the oldest being 14 and the youngest three. We are full time Chabad Shluchim who run the Friendship Circle of LA. Although we were good parents and really tried our best at teaching our children the right way; certain behaviors existed in our home that we just could not get rid of.
We thought, prayed, planned, re-planned, spoke to therapists and mashpi’im, read new books with new and modern approaches. Nothing worked.
We reached a point where it seemed that those behaviors were here to stay and we just hoped our kids would grow out of them.
So we prayed some more.
…and Hashem answered our prayers.
Sometime in early October of 2012, my wife Miriam saw a flier that said, ‘Raise the Bar Parenting’ a New Parenting Series by Simi Yellen.
Who is Simi Yellen?
So Miriam called her and had a few conversations with her and we decided to join.
It worked. It took a lot of hard work and commitment….but it worked.
Here’s why this approach truly ‘Raises the Bar’.
It is a) based on traditional Torah values; b) is very strategic and c) gives the proper tools to handle undesirable behaviors.
As a sneak preview:
Raise the Bar Parenting…
…has prerequisites that create a medium for success.
(For example…EVERYHTING is done out of love and NOTHING is done out of anger)
…reestablishes the parent/child dynamic where parents are in charge, and parents and children are no longer on equal footing (or even lower).
This sets the stage to…
…realize the negative behaviors that need to leave our homes…some behaviors would ruin our moods and we didn’t even know why…now they are on our radar because they are defined,
…sensitize one to manipulation, which is so rampant,
…give one the tools to handle negative behaviors AS THEY COME in a positive, timely, dignified, instructive, loving but firm manner,
…teach one when to and when not to use consequences with a stress on getting our children to behave not to avoid a consequence, but from a deeper place where right and wrong are truly felt,
…teach one to give children the tools to cope with difficult and annoying situations (which is the cause of a lot of children’s intolerance of life and others),
…give a fascinating tool for siblings to work out the disputes in a dignified and communicative manner, where ‘who is right’ is not so important; rather, that the siblings can talk to each other with respect and come to a happy medium.
…creates mentchliche kids who, once they abandon their old habits, because they no longer get them what they want, are more respectful, happier and have more SELF-respect.
…create an environment in the home where positivity is real and the love for our children is effortless
…and much, much more.
The system works. We see it, our friends and neighbors see it, as well as the administrations at our children’s schools.
Were our kids bad? NO
Were we bad parents? NO
Are our kids much much better YES
Are we much much better parents now? YES
Furthermore, the statistics speak for themselves. Of the 150 people in the February ‘Raise the Bar’ teleconference, 97% of survey respondents found the class to be very helpful, 9 out of 10 parents found their children’s behavior improved, and 8 out of 10 parents felt more confident and effective in handling misbehavior.
We highly encourage all of you to sign up for the upcoming teleconference beginning on Tuesday, July 2nd, at 9:00 EST (for children 5-15) and Wednesday, July 3rd at 9:00 EST (for children 2-5). The series is also available on mp3 and through phone recordings, if you can’t make the teleconference time.
Or if you live in LA, there is a class starting Wednesday, June 26th at 8:30 in La Brea and possibly one in Beverlywood.
Those interested in joining should email Simi Yellen at:
By improving the vital mitzvah of kibud av va’em may we be zoche to real ‘ve’heshim lav avos al banim ve’lev banim al avosam’ with the coming of Elyahu Hanavi who will finally announce the true and complete Geula. Amen.
This article was written by Rabbi Michy and Miriam Rav-Noy of Los Angeles. Directors of the Friendship Circle of Los Angeles