Soheila and Richard Corn on the birth of a baby boy.
“Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive me & Chaya to the Mall”
This is the title of a parenting book (where ‘Cheryl’ is used instead of ‘Chaya’) by Anthony E. Wolf which succinctly encapsulates much of the parent child dynamic which exists in this generation.
As parents, there’s nothing that we love more than our children. We make them yummy dinners, buy them their favorite snacks, give them rides, take them on vacations and much more.
And what do we often get in return?
Disrespect, manipulation, attitudes, entitlement and requests for more and more…
What’s wrong with this picture? Where did we go astray?
The answer lies in the sad and painful facts that:
1. The fundamental Mitzvah of Kibud Av Va’em has been horribly neglected in this generation and…
2. Secular parenting methods and influences have crept into our society and really blurred the lines between our children and ourselves.
Secular and ‘forward thinking’ schools of thought promote that parents and children have a warm and ‘cushy’ relationship…almost like friends.
While the Torah explicitly says:
“Kabed es avicha ve’es imecha”
And
“Ish imo ve’aviv tirau”
A stark contrast indeed.
So now we would like to pose some questions to the reader.
Imagine…
If I were unequivocally in charge of my house, and I didn’t have to worry about my children’s negative reactions…
My kids would go to bed at…
What rules would I have in place about how they treated me and my wife?
About how they treat their siblings?
What jobs would they be doing to help in the house?
How many videos would they be watching or how much computer would they be playing?
These are amongst the questions posed to us at the first class of a new parenting series we joined last October.
Those questions were painful and real, positive responses to them seemed like a fantasy.
After having joined a parenting class, it has become a reality. To be clear, we’re not there yet, but we are around 85% closer. More importantly, we feel that we have the power to make any necessary changes we may need to, in our home.
To take a few steps back. We have six children B”H, the oldest being 14 and the youngest three. We are full time Chabad Shluchim who run the Friendship Circle of LA. Although we were good parents and really tried our best at teaching our children the right way; certain behaviors existed in our home that we just could not get rid of.
We thought, prayed, planned, re-planned, spoke to therapists and mashpi’im, read new books with new and modern approaches. Nothing worked.
We reached a point where it seemed that those behaviors were here to stay and we just hoped our kids would grow out of them.
So we prayed some more.
…and Hashem answered our prayers.
Sometime in early October of 2012, my wife Miriam saw a flier that said, ‘Raise the Bar Parenting’ a New Parenting Series by Simi Yellen.
Who is Simi Yellen?
So Miriam called her and had a few conversations with her and we decided to join.
It worked. It took a lot of hard work and commitment….but it worked.
Here’s why this approach truly ‘Raises the Bar’.
It is a) based on traditional Torah values; b) is very strategic and c) gives the proper tools to handle undesirable behaviors.
As a sneak preview:
Raise the Bar Parenting…
…has prerequisites that create a medium for success.
(For example…EVERYHTING is done out of love and NOTHING is done out of anger)
…reestablishes the parent/child dynamic where parents are in charge, and parents and children are no longer on equal footing (or even lower).
This sets the stage to…
…realize the negative behaviors that need to leave our homes…some behaviors would ruin our moods and we didn’t even know why…now they are on our radar because they are defined,
…sensitize one to manipulation, which is so rampant,
…give one the tools to handle negative behaviors AS THEY COME in a positive, timely, dignified, instructive, loving but firm manner,
…teach one when to and when not to use consequences with a stress on getting our children to behave not to avoid a consequence, but from a deeper place where right and wrong are truly felt,
…teach one to give children the tools to cope with difficult and annoying situations (which is the cause of a lot of children’s intolerance of life and others),
…give a fascinating tool for siblings to work out the disputes in a dignified and communicative manner, where ‘who is right’ is not so important; rather, that the siblings can talk to each other with respect and come to a happy medium.
…creates mentchliche kids who, once they abandon their old habits, because they no longer get them what they want, are more respectful, happier and have more SELF-respect.
…create an environment in the home where positivity is real and the love for our children is effortless
…and much, much more.
The system works. We see it, our friends and neighbors see it, as well as the administrations at our children’s schools.
Were our kids bad? NO
Were we bad parents? NO
Are our kids much much better YES
Are we much much better parents now? YES
Furthermore, the statistics speak for themselves. Of the 150 people in the February ‘Raise the Bar’ teleconference, 97% of survey respondents found the class to be very helpful, 9 out of 10 parents found their children’s behavior improved, and 8 out of 10 parents felt more confident and effective in handling misbehavior.
We highly encourage all of you to sign up for the upcoming teleconference beginning on Tuesday, July 2nd, at 9:00 EST (for children 5-15) and Wednesday, July 3rd at 9:00 EST (for children 2-5). The series is also available on mp3 and through phone recordings, if you can’t make the teleconference time.
Or if you live in LA, there is a class starting Wednesday, June 26th at 8:30 in La Brea and possibly one in Beverlywood.
Those interested in joining should email Simi Yellen at:
By improving the vital mitzvah of kibud av va’em may we be zoche to real ‘ve’heshim lav avos al banim ve’lev banim al avosam’ with the coming of Elyahu Hanavi who will finally announce the true and complete Geula. Amen.
This article was written by Rabbi Michy and Miriam Rav-Noy of Los Angeles. Directors of the Friendship Circle of Los Angeles
“A Mitzvah for Yitzi”
By Dina Hurwitz
The past month and a half have been quite challenging. All of the excitement of the Bar Mitzvah is in our wonderful memories, family has all gone home, and we are trying to get back to normal. Actually, we are trying to figure out what normal is right now. We are stuck in a holding pattern.
As of now there is no known cure for ALS, but there are many clinical trials and research that G-d willing will bring a cure. We are, Thank G-d, too healthy for certain trials, and just waiting for other trials to become available, and then hope and pray that we are going to be one of the lucky twelve to be selected for it.
So we wait, we pray, we hope, and we cry (or maybe that’s just me). Some days are good days. The kids are happy, Yitzi is feeling well, there is an atmosphere of joy and excitement that permeates our home. We know how many people around the world are doing extra Mitzvos on Yitzi’s behalf and how many are praying for us.
For those of you who don’t know, there is even a website calledaMitzvahforYitzi.org (launched by San Diego teens):
We can feel a miracle just around the corner. I love these days and cherish every second of them. I even answer my phone on happy days.
Some days are downright bad days. The fear is so all consuming I cannot breath. It is like ice has begun to form deep in my soul and is spreading from there outward. Just waiting, frozen in my grief while the one I love continues to get worse and harder to understand. Sometimes for a second, I forget. He looks the same, still has the same smile and twinkle in his eyes, and then he tells me he is going to record his words, so in the future, he can communicate with his own voice through a computer. I am surprised that the tears do not come out frozen.
These days are followed by shame. Shame that I do not have enough faith and belief in Hashem. Shame that although I know the Rebbe is rooting for us and guarding us from above, I am still terrified. Shame that because of my previous blogs, people think I’m a lot stronger then I am. I know Hashem makes miracles all of the time, some cloaked in nature and others quite obvious. I also know that not every deserving person gets one. That is what turns my heart to ice. Are we miracle worthy?
Most of my days fall somewhere between these two. Moments of joy and hope, and moments of fear and dread, and of course hours of laundry.
Then the sun comes out again, and I remember a family trip to Big Bear Lake about six years ago. (I know it’s another water analogy, but I really love water.)
After watching the kids play in the lake for two days, I finally decide to jump in. I was fully dressed, and jumped into the lake, while my husband stood on the dock laughing at me. The water was incredible and very refreshing until my legs got caught in my long skirt and I started to panic. My husband very calmly says, “put your legs straight down”. I did that and found, to my embarrassment, the water was so shallow that my head and shoulders were completely out of the water. Aside from feeling foolish, (and yes, my husband was laughing his head off) I learned a very valuable lesson. It is possible to drown in three feet of water.
Right now, I am standing in murky water, where the bottom is not visible to my eye. That does not mean it is not right under my feet, but I surely wont find it in my state of panic. I think Hashem does this purposefully, to see how we behave, and what we reflect, when we recognize our vulnerabilities. Do we look for help, or drown in our own panic in three feet of water.
Every day we wake up with the belief that today is the day Moshiach will come. The next day we have the absolute same belief, for thousands of years.
Every day I wake up thinking today is the day a miracle will occur. At the end of the day I do feel a little less certain, yet the next morning I will wake up with the same belief.
Although I think one can definitely drown in just a few feet of water, I don’t think we will. The difference between the lake and our lives is the amount of people around us. Thank you all, from my entire family, for holding us up, and keeping us from falling. For being there when we need help, and letting us know constantly, we are not alone. You are our life preservers.
The public is asked to continue praying for Yitzchok ben Bracha and make a monthly or one-time pledge to assist with medical and living expenses at www.HurwitzFamilyFund.com
Parshat Balak – the Eruv is UP
June 21, 2013-13 Tammuz 5773
Parshat Balak – the Eruv is UP
This week’s eruv is dedicated in honor of the new baby boy born to the Kohn and Dubin families. Sponsored by Elli and Ahuva Zemel and family.
Chabad of the Valley Celebrates 40
Chabad of the Valley in California celebrated 40 years of service with a gala dinner featuring nationally syndicated radio host Michael Medved.
La Eruv’s Howard Witkin Interviewed on KABC
KABC Interview on Doug McIntyre Show – 18 June 2013
Howard Witkin was interviewed on the KABC morning show, McIntyre in the Morning, on June 18: