As I picked up some last minute items at ShopRite on February 14th, I couldn’t help but notice the overwhelming number of men in the floral department and checkout lines buying flowers wrapped in paper with pink and white hearts on it.
As another holiday invented and kept alive by the greeting card, chocolate, and floral industries, Valentine’s Day finds people forced to pony up and buy cards, candy, and flowers for their sweethearts. (Yes, most of it is the men buying for the women, but that’s part of the equation. Gender equality is rarely sought out when it comes to buying gifts.)
Like Mother’s Day and Father’s Day, we Torah Jews are (or should be) making our spouses aware of how much we care EVERY day, not just when American Greetings says we should. In fact, the “hallmark” of the Jewish People is that we appreciate parents, spouses, people who work for us, and so on, on a constant basis.
I wondered why people felt so strongly that they must receive gifts on February 14th as a sign of their significant other’s affection. I mean, if they are forced by societal convention to do it, is it really meaningful?
I’m reminded of the story of the Kollel fellow who had a fight with his wife. He went to his Rosh Yeshiva who counseled him on bringing peace back into the home. “Go buy her some nice flowers. It will make her feel better.” The young man dutifully went out and got a bouquet. He brought them home and said, “My Rosh Yeshiva said I should get you these.”
How sad that he didn’t realize that the flowers are only meaningful when they come with an apology and sweet words. They also have to come with some feeling. The act of buying flowers is meaningless if it’s done because the Rosh Yeshiva, or the radio announcer for FTD, said you have to do it. So, when people show their affection on that day, is it really worth anything?
The surprising conclusion I came to is that yes, it absolutely means something when you do something because you are told you must do it.
Now, if everyone is calling their mothers on Mother’s Day and you specifically choose not to because it’s not a Jewish holiday, don’t you think that could be taken as hurtful? “If the whole world is calling their mothers, could I be such a bad mother that my child doesn’t think I’m worth it?”
But it goes far beyond just a specific day. We know that it is greater for one to do something he is commanded to do than something that he is not commanded to do. (Gadol ha’metzuveh v’oseh m’mi she’aino metzuveh v’oseh.) It’s wonderful if a child cleans up his room without being asked, but not as great as if he brings out the garbage when he was asked to do that. Naturally we rebel at being told what to do, so doing what we’re asked shows more dedication and commitment to the asker.
Let’s say you know your wife hates it when you leave your shoes in the living room. You might want to take them off the second you get home and just plop down on the couch but if you go put them in the closet because she wants you to do that, you have just shown more love than buying a heart-shaped box of chocolate. [Women, please take note of this. When these things happen, you need to acknowledge and appreciate them.]
When you don’t invite your friend over for Shabbos because you know your husband doesn’t get along with your friend’s husband, you’re doing something you have to do – for love. Men, don’t overlook what a sacrifice this is and what it says – that her relationship with you is more important than her relationship with anyone else.
With that understanding, when people buy the obligatory flowers in pink and white wrapping, perhaps even following the advice of sending flowers to her office so her friends can see how cherished she is, they’re doing it out of love.
When we keep the Torah and Mitzvos, even when it’s not comfortable or easy, we do it for love too. HaShem wants to have a relationship with us and by doing things for Him, we are expressing the deepest love there is – that I love you so much that I am concerned with what YOU want more than I am concerned with what I want.
When we avoid a temptation because we know it will harm our connection to G-d, we are NOT doing – for love. This is a lesson for human relationships and for our relationship with G-d. When you love, it means you do, or don’t do, as the other party wants. And no card could ever capture THAT sentiment.
By Rabbi Jonathan Gewirtz
Jonathan Gewirtz is a freelance writer whose work has appeared in publications around the world. He also operates JewishSpeechWriter.com, where you can order a custom-made speech for your next special occasion.
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© 2014 by Jonathan Gewirtz. All rights reserved.
